Hello, and welcome to The Void.
I’m screaming just loud enough for you to hear me. This place is an accumulation of my stored thoughts and feelings, things I’m saying to myself, screaming to myself, but never out loud. My intention is for this to be a safe space to have a voice, unfiltered and vulnerable, for me, and anyone who might be reading.
Time flies even if you’re not having fun.
I’ve had the opportunity to reconnect with old friends over the last 4 months. Summer has a way of drawing people out of hibernation, as we search for connection and meaning enough to satiate and stockpile for the colder months, when it becomes difficult to get out of bed, text that friend to hang out, feel the warmth of the sun and the embrace of someone you love.
As I stock up on social interactions for the winter, one of the first questions asked is usually something along the lines of “What’s new with you?”. A valid question to ask when you haven’t seen or spoken to someone in more months than either of you would care to admit. Hearing this question over and over for the last 4 months made me realize how little is really “new” in my life, given that my answer is always some version of “I started this new job”. Is that really all there is? Is that really all I want to talk about?
I’d like to think I’m more than just my occupation, but lately it feels like work has consumed me. I’m an Analytics Engineer, which is hard to explain, but is a mixture of a few jobs and no one wants to hear me talk about this. The point is it’s challenging, it’s uncomfortable, and a pretty big shift from the work I was doing prior. I don’t hate my job, and I like the people I work with, but it’s gotten to be a bit exhausting, constantly consuming knowledge, taking on projects I have no experience with, and working with rather demanding stakeholders. It feels like I go to work and come out with a brain at full capacity, incapable of processing any new information for the day or having any real thoughts of my own.
When I get home I want to feel safe, do things that are familiar to me and require little thought. This line of thinking has led me to stop pursuing new hobbies and experiences that I had previously been really excited about. Before I was experimenting with new recipes, I was sewing my own clothes, and taking walks in neighborhoods of New York I’d never thought to visit. Even if I didn’t love my job, my life outside of work, the feeling of messing up a new recipe, of sewing the front and back of a pant leg upside down, of getting off on the wrong subway stop in a new neighborhood, these feelings of discomfort kept me full. I was challenging myself in ways that motivated me to work harder, with an intention to think differently and get comfortable with being uncomfortable. In the last 4 months I feel like those feelings have faded.
I thought that this new job was going to be enough to replace the life outside of work I had to let go of. I had been working so hard, throwing myself at any opportunity to develop new skills and work in the field I thought would be my end destination. It didn’t matter to me how long I had to work or who I had to work with. I felt willing to do anything to get to what I thought would be the first step towards my end destination. I was a bit naive to think a job could make me whole, that a dream job is even a true concept. I’ve been so focused on doing well at work that I’m neglecting the other parts of my life that keep me whole, that feed my soul and not just my brain.
It’s taken me 4 months to realize how consumed I was, how focused I had become on what I think is the wrong thing. I have learned and grown immensely in the short amount of time in this new job, but is this really what I want for myself? I try not to think too hard about the future because it’s impossible to predict, but I can’t help wondering what my life will look like in 6 months, a year, 3 years going down this path. I just don’t see myself in this line of work for much longer even though I’ve only just begun.
Given how quickly I’ve adapted to the career shift, I’m curious and excited to apply the same intensity to areas of my life I actually care about again. And what do I care about? What feeds the hunger that’s been ignored for so long? I guess I’m still trying to figure out where to shift my focus. There’s a good chance that it’ll shift a few times. But I think the point is not to give up, to keep trying, and to keep seeking discomfort.
